Colossians 3:18-21 (NIV)
Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.
Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.
Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.
In these four verses, Paul gives insight on God’s standards for two vital relationships: husband and wives, and parents and children. The way that God set up societies to run, these two relationships form the backbone of all other societal structures. And, in Christian families, at least, they must conform to God’s design.
The first relationship, the first created by God and the most pivotal of all, is that between husbands and wives. Although it is not a popular paradigm in many contemporary cultures, God created men and gave them the primary responsibility for the care and support of a family. Even though the first woman, Eve, was created from the man, Adam, as a “suitable helper” for him (Genesis 2:20b-23) in his work of ruling over the world (Genesis 1:26-28), after the fall God gave this primary responsibility to the man, and made him the leader of the family, together with all the responsibility that goes along with that role.
But the man is not permitted to be a dictatorial leader of the family. Instead, as God designed the role, and as He insists that it be carried out in families that belonged to His kingdom, the man is to lead in self- sacrificial love for both his wife and his children. (Also see Ephesians 5:25-33.) This means that he is responsible to be present and engaged. It means that he must subjugate his own desires to the needs of his family. And it also means that he must be loving and caring, never being harsh with his wife or his children, but always loving, just as Jesus was with his followers. This is the kind of love that is portrayed in 1 Corinthians 13, and is to be lived out in each Christian life through the power of the Holy Spirit, not just in the church building on Sunday morning, but in the families of God’s kingdom people as well.
In response, wives are to submit to their husbands’ godly leadership. (Also see Ephesians 5:22-24.) This is not a slavish cowering submission, nor is it making oneself a doormat to be mistreated or abused. It is merely a recognition that, because the husband has been given responsibility by God for the health and well-being of the family, that responsibility must be recognized and respected by his wife. He will be held accountable by God for how he exercises his authority and how he carries out his responsibility. The woman should be an active participant in the workings of the family, but the final responsibility for the decisions made has been laid on the husband by God Himself.
Children are to be obedient to their parents (BOTH parents, not just their fathers or mothers, requiring unity between them) as they teach them how to live godly lives. If a child learns to rebel against the authority of their parents, they will be much more likely to rebel against all authority as adults, resulting in their ruin. That is a key reason why the commandment to honor one’s parents is so vital that it was centrally located in the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20:12).
Of course, all these directives only function the way that they were designed to work in a home where God’s name is honored and the leading of His Spirit is followed. Too many homes today, even nominally Christian homes, are populated by husbands and wives who put their own desires ahead of the good of their family, and with children who are living in rebellion and disobedience. Until the hearts of the people are set right by repentance and transformation, trying to impose this framework as an external control will only result in damage.
Father, like so many things in Your word, these are guidelines and directives to help transformed people order their lives in ways that help Your kingdom on earth to function effectively, so that Your name is glorified through us. But those who have not been reborn and transformed from the heart out cannot hope to consistently obey these commands and directives in their own strength. They will simply end up amplifying the brokenness in those lives. Lord, help us to not merely try to impose these structures and systems over our broken lives and our twisted hearts, but to seek You for the transformation and the wholeness that only comes from You, so that we can order our lives and our families according to Your righteous design. Amen.